Let's Talk Paranoia..

I never usually write about personal issues or opinions on my blog as I've never really had the balls to write down feelings in such a raw format for anyone's eyes. But I guess you can say that I wanted to join the ever growing social media awareness on mental health and open up about a personal issue that I battle with constantly.. even writing that last sentence makes me feel a lot more dramatic than I'm implying. 

There are tons of battles that every single human being fights on a daily basis, some more corrosive to the body or mind and some than can be hidden away without any form of physical existence.

What I wanted to share with you today was my struggle with paranoia. Now, in writing it sounds harmless and I'm sure everyone can relate to an occasion where they have too been paranoid but I seem to battle with paranoia on a daily and sometimes hourly basis.

I feel that if I'm not paranoid or worrying about something then it will result in something terrible happening to my health. My best example would be my 'triangle' issue, which is basically three main points I worry about one right after the other. The first will be that my teeth are falling out, the next my hair and finally that I have some form of cancer. 

It sounds ridiculous to write out exactly what goes through my mind but when these issues are so deep and scripted into you it's hard to just push them to one side. I have the worst paranoia driving or travelling to new, unfamiliar places and always end up over stressing about the journey, where will I park or sit on the train etc. Even after the journey I've driven I will worry two weeks straight about if I have a speeding fine even though I know 100% I've stuck to the speed limits throughout.

 I have to revisit every situation multiple times that I'm worrying about and tell myself exactly what happened word for word to assure myself there's nothing wrong or I haven't done anything wrong.

I read situations completely wrong at times and if someone says something in a passing comment I'll have to break down exactly what they've said and how their body language was to analyze how the comment was intended. Which is crazy seeing as I'm very much a social bug and I bond better with other people through humor, therefore giving myself a fairly thick skin?

Often when my friends or family tell me to stop overthinking a situation and being paranoid all I can respond with is 'try telling an asthmatic to breathe' because the reality is, you can't tell someone to stop being paranoid. Even if they're not talking about the situation out loud they are constantly reliving every scenario in their head to break down anything that should send alarm bells ringing.

There are tons of stories and accounts of mental health around the world that are far more serious than what I have just shared but I think it's important to address every inch on the scale. My paranoia is something that is a pinch of salt compared to what other people are going through but it's something that will always cause me the most unnecessary stress and anxiety for absolutely no reason. It wont stop me from living my life and enjoying events, outings and celebrations but it can certainly keep me distracted and lost in a rut of overthinking and dwelling on minor past events that have absolutely nothing of importance.

Thank you for reading :)

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